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[XR2003]

Important Lesson Learned:

A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees...

The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker
expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[XR2003]

I know, I know:

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[XR2003]

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

[XR2003]

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"...."Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.

[XR2003]

Three third graders, a Catholic kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly
kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they
play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.
The Catholic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's
nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple
of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his
out. It is by far the biggest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks
him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project,
had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...
and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's
see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Michael and Anthony each pulled out our weenies and I had
the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that
true, Mom?"
Mom replies,"No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three

[XR2003]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
> and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

> Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

> Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

> Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

> "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

> Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

> The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

> "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

> Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
> "Oh God,I'm coming!"

> If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

> The nun fainted.

[XR2003]

AMEN!!!

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

And finally...

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[XR2003]

Subject: Love in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . if you explain the kids."

[XR2003]

I want this watch:

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[XR2003]

Know your limits
This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.


Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" Pay! first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull b**** chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."


"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then. ............ silence.


Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
__________________

[XR2003]

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

[XR2003]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

[XR2003]

Police Warning!!!!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[XR2003]

Politically Incorrect
1. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

2. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

5. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

7. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

8. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

9. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

10. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

11. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

12. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

13. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

14. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

15. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[XR2003]

The 7 dwarfs:

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey Leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your Holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"...... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"......

[XR2003]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, her entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[XR2003]

BURN!


A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes
her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of
dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
"What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of
dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes
running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts
his clothes back
on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the
apartment like
that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all
that dynamite after
I saw how short the fuse was.

[XR2003]

INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named
because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

What is the moral of this story?????





OH, come on...take a guess! .



Think about it

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...




You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[XR2003]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blond in economy class gets up and moved to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. Sht then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes upto the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a Blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, " You say she is a Blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a Blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to he blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

He simply turned around and said, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Houston."

[XR2003]

Subject: Don't play games at home

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember