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[XR2003]

The real reason that Lance Armstrong won't be defending his streak of Tour de France victories next year is that he is no longer welcome in France. It seems that French officials have banned him from the country after finding three illegal substances in his hotel room at the conclusion of the 2005 Tour.

The substances? Soap, shampoo, and deodorant.

[Slightly_Stoopid]

not to mention all their bikers cut off both their testicles...they saw that lance was really going for weight savings hacking off the one and battleing cancer to lower his body weight.....so when they still lost.....yah......

-Mike a.k.a Slightly_Stoopid

[XR2003]

20 things to do in a drive thru lane:

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

[XR2003]

SPAGHETTI
>
>
>
>
>A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian
>woman for several years.
>One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in
>him that she was pregnant.
>Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
>her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly
>have the child.
>If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
>provide child support until the child turned 18.
>She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
>born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card
>and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child
>support payments to begin.
>
>
>One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
>wife. "Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card
>today. "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
>The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
>turned white and fainted.
>
> On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
>Two with meatballs, one without.

[XR2003]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic named Cathy, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted

[XR2003]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known parking spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir."

"And her... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes"

[XR2003]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[XR2003]

Corporate Lessons:

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world" Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshlt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[XR2003]

Another reason to beware technology:

A man goes to the doctor complaining with elbow pain. The doctor tells him ok, I need a urine sample to test. The man complies, and the doctor takes the cup to a very strange machine and pours it in. After a few seconds the machine prints out a sheet of paper. The doctor tells the man; well it looks like you have tennis elbow. The man argues saying that there is no way. The doctor informs him that his new machine is 99% accurate. So the man determined to fool the machine goes home and has his daughter pee in a cup, then he puts oil from his car in it, and then jacks off in it. He takes it to the doctor and tells him he’s not feeling well and gives him the cup. The doctor puts it in the machine, and a few seconds later the paper prints out. Well what does it say? Asked the man. The doctor just looks at him and replies, well your daughter is pregnant, you car needs an oil change, and if you don’t stop jacking off you’ll never get rid of that tennis elbow.

[XR2003]

The cab driver:


A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

Edited by XR2003, 26 December 2006 - 09:35 PM.

[XR2003]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
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[XR2003]

Is this Pourmeaguiness?


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[XR2003]

The TRUTH hurts:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well passion was heating up, and I reached for her and she says " I don't feel like it tonite, I just want you to hold me." I Said "WHAT"! So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "Youre just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man" She responded to my puzzled look by saying " Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?". Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping to Macy's a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on different very expensive outfits. She could not make up her mind on which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all and put them in the cart. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We passed by the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of beautiful diamond earings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelot when she does not even know how to play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I said " Thats Fine Honey". She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No Honey, I don't feel like it"

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT"?

I then said honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look in her eyes like she was going to kill me, I added " Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things that I can buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[XR2003]

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster
than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over,
walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all
know about, asked "what's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late
for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a Rectum
Stretcher," I responded. The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A
rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I
said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to 2
fingers, then 3, then 4, then with my whole hand in I work side to side
until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the
hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the cop asked questioningly and
cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot *******?" To which
I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge ."

Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
Look on cop's face ... Priceless

[XR2003]

THE AMISH AND THE ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[XR2003]

A LIVING WILL

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[XR2003]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[XR2003]

Only in California:

Subject: The Lawyer

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"MY ROLEX!"

[XR2003]

A true friend:

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?" "For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life." "In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! She was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he yelled for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the ***** willows." Dave shouts back . . . "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"
__________________

[XR2003]

Dating personals, do they really work?

The following was in The Atlanta Journal. This has got to be one of the best "singles ads" ever published:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Lab Retriever.